clean jokes and funny stories

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Comment by Edgar Staniforth on February 2, 2010 at 11:31pm

Just got this from a friend

After I retired my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips. Unfortunately like most men,I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women-she loves to browse and touch...everything.I decidedto do something to take my mind off things.
yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from one of the local shops.
I share this with some pride:
Dear mrs H ,
over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. Unfortunately we must now reluctantly ask neither of you to return. Our complaints against your husband have been recorded by our manager,Mr Samuel,and arelisted below based on events documented by our surveilance cameras.
1. June 15th:Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other peoples carts when they were't looking.
2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at5-minute intervals.
3July 7th: He made atrail of tomato juce on the floor leading to the womens toilets.
4,July19th: Walked up to an emloyee and told her in an official voice,Code 3 in Houswares.Get there right away'.Thiscaused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance,causing managment to lose time and costing the company money.
5.August4th: went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of M&Mson layaway
6.August14th: Moved a 'CUTION-WETFLOOR' sign to a carpeted area
7.August 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they brought pillows and blankets from thebedding department to which 20 children oblidged.
8.August23rd:When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed why cant you people just leave me alone? Paramedics were called.
9.September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.September 10th: while handling guns in the hunting department ,he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

Comment by John E Pallister on January 29, 2010 at 9:33pm

Here's a copy of an email sent to me......

A British couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a
particularly chilly Autumn. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided
to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the
email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 30, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. (Bleeding) hot down here!

Comment by Margaret Goodwin on November 9, 2009 at 1:30pm

Ha,ha,ha...excellent! Sounds a bit too true to life, though!

Comment by dancing daf on November 8, 2009 at 10:27am

The Sunday Tea Dance
Its the Sunday tea dance and they will all be here today
Aches and pains forgotten dance the afternoon away,
Foxtrots, quicksteps, waltzes some are slow but still quite nifty
With memories of how it was back in 1950.
Norman's in the toilet he is struggling to pee
He's got trouble with his prostrate he'll most likely miss his tea.
Eddy's got a new love that he met in Thornton Heath
She does a lovely tango but she hasn't any teeth
His latest fancy footwork nearly broke his partners neck,
She mistook his outside swivel for a travelling contra check.
Ida's had her hair done and she's ready for the saunter,
She had a vindaloo last night and it's coming back to haunt her.
Florry's mini skirt's revealing when she's spinning in the jive,
She really shouldn't wear a thong, approaching 85.
They've had their tea and cake and chat and had a little laugh
And gamely rise with creaking knees to face the second half.
Norman's made it back in time for a Rumba Number One
His cucarachas very neat but he's left his flies undone.
Vera's fallen in a massive crumpling heap
Bert's got indigestion and Mable is fast asleep.
It's last waltz time and up they get for Humperdink old tune
And then, Goodbye, Good luck, Take care,
God willing see you soon

Comment by Margaret Goodwin on October 28, 2009 at 10:09am

Hope this is clean enough.....it really made me laugh.

WOMEN AND MATHS

Letter found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset ---- I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while youread this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach...
He is young,virile,and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Comment by Margaret Goodwin on September 12, 2009 at 1:56pm

Here's another.....
A wife had invited a large group of people to dinner. At the table she turned to her six year old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the Blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say" the girl replied
"Just say what I usually say" the mother answered
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Oh Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Comment by sallie Randall on August 14, 2009 at 10:11am

Thanks for that one Margaret! I will send a message to David my residents deserve a laugh some of them have been through the mill lately.

Comment by Margaret Goodwin on August 13, 2009 at 1:01pm

As it is David's group maybe he needs to give permission Sallie but s far as I'm concerned anything I have posted you are welcome to use.
Here's one you might like:-

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Comment by sallie Randall on August 12, 2009 at 10:27am

I love to look in at the group to see the latest jokes, I am an estate manager in sussex and would like to use some of your jokes in my newsletter, may i have permission to do so. Sallie

Comment by Margaret Goodwin on July 8, 2009 at 11:01am

Oh yes.......I love it! I'd forgotten.

Thanks for the laugh. Best way to deal with a wet Wednesday.

Marg

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